Dr. Leon Banister, Jr.

I heard the side conversations when I was first brought around.
Not whispers exactly, but close enough. From friends, from people we both knew.

“Be careful of that one.”
“It’s probably not a good idea.”
“The age gap’s not gonna work.”
“You gotta be smart — think about why he’s really here.”

I heard it all. And I tucked it in the back of my head, not because I believed them, but because I knew one day I’d prove them wrong. That was 23 years ago.

I get it. I understand why people think that way. You see stories in the news — Anna Nicole Smith, and others I can’t even think of right now — where the age gap becomes this big scandal, painted like someone’s only there for the wrong reasons. That’s what people know, that’s the picture in their heads.

But life isn’t the tabloids, and not every relationship fits the stereotype. Sometimes, you actually find someone who’s there for you, no matter the years in between.

From the very beginning, the amount of support my partner needed was more than most people his own age could have given — physically, emotionally, or logistically. When he landed in the hospital, his anxiety was through the roof. He couldn’t be alone for more than two hours without spiraling, so I basically moved in with him.

I stayed there around the clock, sleeping on whatever chair or cot I could find, showing up for every test, every doctor round, every moment he opened his eyes. Even his own doctors admitted they wouldn’t do that for their own spouses. But that’s what it took, and that’s what I was willing and able to give.

And while I was doing all that, I was also managing bills, keeping the house running, taking care of his business, handling personal matters — all the things that couldn’t wait. On top of that, I was still running my own private practice in between all this chaos. I had to squeeze it all into the small windows of time I could get away. That’s a pace most people his age simply couldn’t keep up with, but I could, because I was young enough and had the stamina to make it work.

When we finally got home, the caregiving didn’t slow down — it just shifted into another gear. Suddenly it wasn’t just about hospital schedules and medical updates, it was about every step of daily life.

I was transferring him in and out of bed, helping with toileting, hauling walkers and wheelchairs up and down stairs, setting up medical equipment, making sure he could move safely from one room to another, and helping him in the middle of the night to use the bathroom — sometimes multiple times throughout the night.

Basically, we were living on high alert all the time. Every sound, every movement could mean he needed help. And in between those moments, I was managing medications, tracking appointments, and handling emergencies that could pop up at any moment — like the night I had to rush him to the ER at 3 a.m. because he had a UTI with sepsis.

And I won’t even get into what it’s like actually taking this show on the road — moving him to another place, a doctor’s appointment, or anywhere else. What’s involved would probably break somebody his own age if they had to do it.

When I was doing my dissertation work, May–December: Navigating Life as an Intergenerational Gay Couple, I explored the dynamics, challenges, and benefits of relationships like ours. While I knew there were benefits to this type of relationship, none of my participants were in a state of their relationship where these benefits were ever highlighted during the course of the research.

What I’ve learned since then is that those benefits become crystal clear when life throws you into full-scale caregiving. This isn’t just about love or compatibility — it’s about the ability to keep pace physically, mentally, and emotionally when your partner’s needs change overnight.

If my partner were with someone his own age, he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the middle-of-the-night bathroom trips, the hauling of walkers and wheelchairs up and down stairs, the constant vigilance, and the mental load of coordinating every piece of his care. Most couples in that situation end up needing a live-in caregiver or a facility.

But we’re not “most couples.” My partner believed in me from the start. He knew I wasn’t here for the wrong reasons. He knew I was in it for the long haul. And now, decades later, he’s reaping the benefits of that belief.